life is real

ok i suck

2006-09-27T10:58:00.000-07:00

i haven't posted in forever because:
1) my life is boring and sucks
2) personal "problems"
3) quitting my job, already started the new one

but whatever...enjoy my most recent obsessions.

this group bitter:sweet is rad. the vocals are reminiscent of the cardigans or zero 7. the music is really fun and cute and when i listen to it i always think a party is going to come through the door any second in the form of a conga line. i especially enjoy dirty laundry and take 2 blue because they're the most fun!

i'm also obsessed with netflix which i recently acquired. it's a great way to waste time at work because you can watch trailers and each time you add a movie to your queue, they recommend other movies you may also enjoy. hours of entertainment. and their use of the word "queue" which is funny looking.

i like that my cucumber roll is always labeled "ocean fresh." i didn't know cucumbers grew in the ocean. i guess they do sorta taste "ocean fresh." but i'm not sure that's a good thing.

the highlight of my day today has been trying to direct flies to fly into the fly paper i put up. yes, it is that good. [current fly on paper count: 5]

r.i.p. crocodile hunter

2006-09-05T12:08:00.000-07:00

in light of the news that infamous crocodile hunter steve irwin was killed by a stingray yesterday, let's all have a moment of silence.

[crikey!]

umbrella sparring

2006-08-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

in light of the recent rain, i found this article i wrote and did nothing with last year.
i thought it was fitting.

rain falls in manhattan and $3 umbrellas are suddenly $5 umbrellas, people run frantically around with newspapers held overhead and seek shelter wherever there is an awning. once everyone catches on, the umbrellas are drawn. thousands of angry, wet, and late people are wielding eye-gouging devices they have not been trained to handle. there is such a thing as umbrella-etiquette. walking down crowded city sidewalks consumed by umbrellas one realizes how unaware of this concept people are. is it so difficult to realize that carrying an umbrella consumes a greater area and is lined with metal spokes? i refuse the use of umbrellas, it is just water after all, and water dries. so unarmed, i find myself as in a first-player shooter, out of ammo. the concept behind umbrella-etiquette is either tipping your umbrella or raising it as you pass another person on the street. this provides more room and protects the other person’s eyes, pretty simple people. i have often thought that a two-hour class or a permit of sorts should be required to use an umbrella in the city. people are oblivious enough, do we really need to arm them without the proper training?

snakes+plane=soap

2006-08-25T06:44:00.000-07:00

snakes on a plane has to be the greatest movie of the summer, if not the greatest movie ever. i have been obsessed with this movie for months and the biggest selling point was that samuel l. jackson insisted they not change the title from snakes on a plane to the boring pacific air flight 121. this fact alone makes this movie the best ever.

but it just keeps getting better. the website allows you to send nearly seamless messages to your friends from samuel l. jackson, urging them to see the movie. you should really try it. or better yet, send them to your enemies.

so after the long wait, the hype, and the anticipation, i finally saw snakes on a plane last night! and allow me to say it was the greatest movie experience i have ever had. i mean, snakes...on a mother-fucking plane! it doesn't get any better than that. it was, hands down, the best worst movie i have ever seen. snakes came from every possible location and definitely attacked in the worst possible places [ouch!]. it was just a fantastic 80's-style horror/disaster flick. an instant classic in my book.

this is definitely an audience participation movie, so if you don't like it when people talk in the theater, get over yourself, and see snakes on a plane.

obl+wh

2006-08-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

osama bin laden loves whitney houston. jessie sent me this exerp from a book by kola boof who had a relationship with osama. apparently when he learned of the book he contacted kola and told her "If I had the time to waste. ..I would come and slit your throat myself."

[nice guy]

here is my rendition of the happy couple. enjoy!

crazytown, usa

2006-08-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

i watched wonderland yesterday. a documentary about levittown, ny, the original suburbia. cookie-cutter houses where residents are located alphabetically by last name. hometown of eddie money and bill griffith, zippy the pinhead cartoonist. these people are nuts, no offense, it's a borderline mental community, and a definite must-see.

thank you, car-sitting bum

2006-08-16T07:07:00.000-07:00

i brought my car to a different shop and when i called to see if it was done i was told that they had finished my car but something happened. apparently a bum saw my car and proceeded to pull everything out of my glove compartment [looking for something more valuable than gum and maps i'm sure]. he then started yelling at the mechanics asking when the car would be ready. they called the cops and found out the guy hadn't taken his meds that morning, go figure. anyway, the owner of the shop felt really bad and proceeded to apologize profusely. i didn't think much of it, [nothing was taken, no harm done] but he insisted on giving me an "a-bum-pulled-all-your-shit-out-of-your-glove-compartment" discount. score! so i just wanted to express my thanks and gratitude to the bum who sat in my car, you saved me $200.

can't catch a break

2006-08-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

~~sucks to be me.~~ sucks to be a girl with a car. i was actually told it would cost me $3,700 to fix my 2001 certified pre-owned honda civic that i have had for 2 years. fucking assholes. somehow i cried enough that they are fixing my oil pan gasket for free and only charging me for the diagnostic checkup. i bringing my car to another shop. you would think that a dealership wouldn't screw you, think again.

[fucking assholes]

monkey battles

2006-08-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

i am currently participating in a monkey war with my ex-neighbor kevin [previously mentioned because he's rad]. but i think i'm gonna win, even though he started it. i have an arsenal at my disposal; he has no idea what he's in for.

i already got him with these:

[i have his box fan]

anyway, you get the idea, there are many, many more but it's too early to show my cards. i will let you know who wins the title of "top banana."

p.s. i heart best-of-craigslist

parosmia

2006-08-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

okay, i have this bizarro taste/smell disorder called parosmia and i'm a little sick of trying to explain it to people. so if you ask, i'll refer you to my blog from now on. basically i can't eat anything that tastes or smells like anything because everything tastes rotten. i literally cannot force myself to eat it [could you eat something that your mind told you was rotten?] no matter how hard i try to convince myself it is good.

so bottom line: no i don't want to go to a restaurant with you and watch you eat your food and talk about how good it all tastes while i order more complimentary bread to occupy myself until i can get home and drink protein powder and vitamins. and as much as i appreciate your insight and suggestions for things i could eat, just don't try, it just frustrates me.

thanks for caring.

shanks for the memories...

2006-07-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

just a few wonderful things brought to my attention in recent days:

current obsession - timothy treadwell, grizzly man, and werner herzog. [dude ate his own fucking shoe!]

airtoons - thanks kevin.

i heart kissing animals.

and i just obtained approximately 900 original nintendo games on my computer. [jealous much?]

UPDATE:
Kevin is the raddest of them all.

fornicatress

2006-07-20T09:25:00.000-07:00

upon looking up the definition of a trollop i came across fantastic synonyms like strumpet and fornicatress. fornicatress sounds like a superhero or a s&m dungeon. if there were a superheroine named fornicatress she would be the mistress of smut. fornicatress would look like a cross between bettie page and she-ra.
[and she would totally have a cape]

her secret identity would be princess chastity and she would live in the cunt castle.

i'm a poser

2006-07-18T09:02:00.000-07:00

i just started this so i can be as cool as everyone else i know who has a blog. they make me laugh. i want to make people laugh too but i'm too pussy to do stand up. so the nerd in me says this may just be the outlet.

[i probably should credit paul with the blog title but i'm not going to]