umbrella sparring

in light of the recent rain, i found this article i wrote and did nothing with last year.
i thought it was fitting.

rain falls in manhattan and $3 umbrellas are suddenly $5 umbrellas, people run frantically around with newspapers held overhead and seek shelter wherever there is an awning. once everyone catches on, the umbrellas are drawn. thousands of angry, wet, and late people are wielding eye-gouging devices they have not been trained to handle. there is such a thing as umbrella-etiquette. walking down crowded city sidewalks consumed by umbrellas one realizes how unaware of this concept people are. is it so difficult to realize that carrying an umbrella consumes a greater area and is lined with metal spokes? i refuse the use of umbrellas, it is just water after all, and water dries. so unarmed, i find myself as in a first-player shooter, out of ammo. the concept behind umbrella-etiquette is either tipping your umbrella or raising it as you pass another person on the street. this provides more room and protects the other person’s eyes, pretty simple people. i have often thought that a two-hour class or a permit of sorts should be required to use an umbrella in the city. people are oblivious enough, do we really need to arm them without the proper training?